Friday, October 30, 2009

“What I really need are a pistol and a sword” and other random Halloween statements


One night last week while I was in Chicago on biz, The BF called me and we had a very serious conversation about our costumes for Meg & Mo’s Werewolf Bar Mitzvah/Halloween Party this weekend (we are going as Captain Morgan And His Wench). Right about the time that I realized that anyone overhearing this earnest discussion about eye patches and boot covers and the sewing of jabots and hats matching coats would think we were crazy, The BF says “What I really need are a pistol and a sword.” Now I had been having a very trying time at work, the kind of week where you think maybe if I blow something up or throw something out a window, I’ll feel better. So my new mantra has been “What I really need are a pistol and a sword.” It seems to be working for me.


Someone in my apartment building keeps leaving bowls of Halloween candy by the elevator, and it's the highlight of my day.


The other night I went shopping for the aforementioned eye patch and assorted Wench-like accessories, and overheard two young men who were quite dismayed over the inaccuracy of the insignia on the Star Trek costumes. Dude, you are buying a $35 polyester costume at Party City. Did you really think it would be authentic?


My favorite Halloween costume as a child was 1977, 5th grade, Princess Leia. White turtleneck, white long-sleeved dress that my grandma had sewn out of a sheet, and a gold chain belt of my mother’s. I wore my hair in two buns that were more like munchkins than the coffee rolls Carrie Fisher sported, but there was no doubting who I was. We went trick-or-treating with some family friends in a nice development of endless cul-de-sacs in the next town. One of their neighbors was dressed as a tomato and she kept losing her newspaper stuffing, so by the end of the night she looked like a sun-dried tomato, only it was 1977 and no one knew what those were yet.  When we were done, our dads “inspected” our candy. Funny how the Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups were always “suspiciously damaged.”


On one of our early morning walks, Meg and I were discussing how all the commercially available costumes for women are always “sexy”. Sexy Vampire. Sexy Nurse. Sexy Angel. You can even be a Sexy Detective. It’s all so very wrong. Mariska Hargitay is a sexy detective. A grown woman in a miniskirt, crop top, white knee socks and a Sherlock Holmes hat is just pathetic.

We thought it would be a great feminist statement to buy 6 “sexy” costumes, cut them up and sew them back together as one patchwork outfit of misappropriated identities (you can take the women out of the women’s college, etc.). It never happened, but this text exchange did, a few days later:

Meg: I think I am going to be a Flight Attendant for Halloween

Me: Regular or Sexy?

Meg: Stop that!

Me: I don’t think you can buy a non-sexy flight attendant costume

Meg: I found one on Etsy!

So now I am going as a Pirate Wench and she is going as Joan Halloway from Mad Men (insert slight jealousy here). We’re going to be sexy without baring our midriffs, exposing our boobs or hiking up our skirts.

And we will inspect our own candy, thank you.

And by candy, I mean cocktails. Happy Sexy Halloween.


Raina Cox said...

I more than a little dismayed that All Hallows Eve has turned into Slut-O-Ween.

On a related note, I'm getting old.

only a movie said...

I want to see a photo of that Joan Holloway costume... as well as you and the BF.
Have a great weekend!

Anonymous said...

I love you. You are free to post my Joanie pictures -- unless I look ridiculous. In which case you are not free to post my Joanie pictures. (God knows I don't blog anymore, so the odds of my posting them myself are slim.) In other news, you know how I needed a slice of bread last night, well, tomorrow night, may I please borrow your breasts? Mine are woefully inadequate for Joan, and you know I'd just have to borrow tissue from you if I wanted to stuff my bra. It's easier if I just take the boobs themselves. Thanks, Your Friend and Neighbor.

papasan said...

99% of the Reese's cups are always damaged, so rather than look for the 'good one' send them all to me for inspection.

Mumsie said...

Papasan is full of you know what. He bought two bags (150 pcs. ea.) and has been pilfering through them for the Reece's cups when he thinks I'm not looking. I'm an Almond Joy gal myself. He'll be on the front porch as usual with his vodka and candy basket checking out all the costumes. Anxious to see pics of all of my lads and lassies.

papasan said...

was the 'captain' able to stand around all evening on one leg?

Julia @ Hooked on Houses said...

This post cracked me up. My Reese cups always mysteriously disappeared while I was at school each day. In fact, my mom still complains about how I started hiding my candy in places where she couldn't find it. Ha.

I dressed up as Princess Leia as a 5th grader, too! Wish I could dig up an old photo of that.

knitseashore said...

Should we even talk about the symbolism of sexy maid costumes?

I never dressed as Princess Leah, but I admired her a lot. I was Raggedy Ann a couple of times.

prashant said...

He'll be on the front porch as usual with his vodka and candy basket checking out all the costumes.

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Halloween Costumes Chick said...

Very cute post. I think your right about the Flight Attendant I didn't think a non sexy one was still made!